How not to break a juice cleanse

I have a tradition of breaking juice cleanses. The first time was in 2002, when I tried juice cleansing with my friend Justin. We made it six hours before devouring a wedge of Gouda cheese from Whole Foods. The second time was in 2011. I lasted two agonizing days on the Master Cleanse before meeting Jonah for cocktails and a cheese plate.

So now it’s 2016, and I’m halfway through a three-day juice cleanse and feeling fine. Peeing a lot. Not super hungry. Not on a euphoric juice high, but neither do I feel like I’m coming down with the flu, as I did on the Master Cleanse. It’s looking like I might actually finish this cleanse, though I really thought I’d be shitting pinworms and coughing up ropes of phlegm by now, because isn’t expelling gross things from your body the entire point? Anyway, here’s what’s been helping me through it.

If I get hungry, I drink more juice. Calorie restriction is not my goal, so if the old stomach starts a-grumblin’ I squeeze an orange and drink its sweet, sweet fruit blood.

This is on top of an already ample regimen of six prepared juices a day. I’m using Raw Republic‘s plan, which includes hearty nut-milk juices. Also, having the juice prepared for me makes this a lot easier. I got sick of squeezing lemons on the Master Cleanse and disgusted with the juicer’s fruit pulp with the 2002 attempt. The price for a three-day cleanse is $150 at Raw Republic, which isn’t cheap, but considering the cost of fresh produce and how much work juicing is, it’s not that bad.

I substitute detox-y activities for eating. Yeah, I know the concept of “detoxing” is nebulous and contentious. However, there’s something pleasant about dry skin brushing, clay masks and Epsom salt baths, all of which I have used to substitute my regular evening routine of popping a bottle of wine and cooking dinner with Bryan.

I’m not battling caffeine withdrawal on top of everything else. I stocked up on herbal teas and I’m continuing my two-cup-a-day green tea habit.

I’m cleansing at work, far away from my well-stocked fridge. I’m too busy to miss eating very much.

I’m reading vegan blogs and other pro-juice stuff that makes me feel great and noble for juicing, while studiously avoiding Instagram (hello, king cake pictures).

And that’s about it. Update: Today is day three, so yeah, pretty sure I’m gonna make it through this cleanse. It is not nearly as life-changing as these things are made out to be, but hey, I drank a lot of delicious juice and don’t have to be curious any more. SUCCESS.